Today discovered a Sydney, Australia t-shirt in his drawer…brand new …it says Sydney Postcard on it w a beautiful postcard picture on it. He’s seen her…and said nothing! :-( heartbreaking…
What does it mean…his getting in touch with his old girlfriend/best friend on Tuesday, July 5, 2011? He hasn’t been in touch w her since January…since we’re back together. We were married April 23rd…that morning she txt him…it was the strangest thing. And he still never got back in touch w her. But, now, suddenly, he has decided to reach out. He said I’m what matters, it was us, and me that is important and that he could let that go…yet that doesn’t seem so… I knew it was just a matter of time… Nothing about how I feel is what really matters it seems…he inevitably does what he wants-his way! What am I suppose to think? I will say nothing and just wait and see how far it continues. Or for that matter how our sex life doesn’t exist. And how long that continues! We still haven’t had intercourse…and anything else has stopped dead! This doesn’t make any sense. I honestly don’t know what to think. But he is not interested in sex at all!!! How can this be happening? I think she is way more important to him and he will never loose contact with her! It doesn’t matter that she’s married and has a son…she needs him obviously to fill some void she has with her husband. Which I have to say hasn’t been fair to him all these years. It hasn’t left him or his heart open to ever meet someone else. She was seperated from her husband, they worked together, dated during that seperation, she got back with her husband, and has kept him around all these yrs, and never told her husband-and he’s friends with them all! Well, not really, only really friends with her-but has become a friend to the whole family for what? So they can still remain friends?Not a healthy scenerio. And now…this is really bad for us…because he’s keeping it to himself! A secret from me!!! A secret that he’s back in communication with her, no sexlife between us which equals 0 intimacy…which keeps us at some distance…it’s a recipe for disaster… I’m not sure what to do next. I have tried discussing our sex life…it doesn’t seem to matter! I feel very disillusioned…and I love him dearly. I feel we are headed for big trouble in our marriage if this continues. When he came home on Tuesday he was acting very strange…I’ve mentioned this to him more than once, he says it’s his job. But I felt sure that’s not what it is…now I believe it’s this fact, that he reached out to her that very same day! I think he’s turning to her. Maybe because it’s what he’s used to…her as his confident…but that’s a killer for us if he’s not talking to me about his worries, his job…life and he turns to her! But that’s exactly what he did after we first met…he ran to Vermont…to her. Confided in her for 2 wks and shut me out. And it was about US! It should have been us talking things over trying to figure things out-not him with her! It’s disturbing. And by him reaching out to her…plus he left a winky face…he’s leaving that door opened! Which is unacceptable! He’s making choices here, which are not good choices for this marriage. The choice of contacting her…and for sure no sex life with me! My God! We’re newlyweds for Christ sake! We’re just back together since January, for 6 months after a 17yr split! And only married 21/2 months!!!! I should absolutely be concerned. Please God help us and watch over us. I had to get this out and have noone to talk to about it…so came here. It’s breaking my heart.
Tomorrow Monday January 17, 2011 I move here…a picture out our bedroom window…from Annapolis, MD to Connecticut…with the man I love, have loved my whole life…Bobby, I love you…xoxoxo
Do yourself a favor and watch this:
and then this:
so good. on both accounts.
and on the topic of balloons, also: the white balloon.
As he held her and tasted her, and as she curved in further and further toward him, with her own lips, new to herself, drowned and engulfed in love, yet solaced and triumphed, he was thankful to have an existence at all, if only as a reflection in her wet eyes.
“My God,” he gasped, “you’re fun to kiss.”
The last day of March,
My darling Sleeping Child, I am oddly shy about you. I still regard you as an inviolate presence. You are as secret as the mysterious processes of the womb. I’m not being fancy…I have treated women, generally, very badly and used them as an exercise for my contempt - except in your case.
I have fought like a fool to treat you in the same way and failed. One of these days I will wake up - which I think I have done already - and realise to myself that I really do love. I find it very difficult to allow my whole life to rest on the existence of another creature. I find it equally difficult, because of my innate arrogance, to believe in the idea of love. There is no such thing, I say to myself.
There is lust, of course, and usage, and jealousy, and desire and spent powers, but no such thing as the idiocy of love. Who invented that concept? I have racked my shabby brains and can find no answer.
But when people die, those who are taken away from us can never come back. Never, never, never, never, never (Lear about Cordelia). We are such doomed fools. Unfortunately, we know it. So I have decided that, for a second or two, the precious potential of you in the next room is the only thing in the world worth living for. After your death there shall only be one other and that will be mine. Or I possibly think, vice versa.
Ravaged love,
And loving Rich
-Richard Burton in a letter to Elizabeth Taylor (1973) (via)
oof.
